I Want to Remember
by lil-hermione-at-heart
Summary: It has been almost two years since the war ended and Peeta returned to District 12 in hope of repairing a burnt relationship with Katniss. But sometimes it takes a lot more time than one would expect for wounds to heals, especially wounds like theirs. And after everything they've been through, maybe what they thought they had isn't enough. Lyrics-Help Me Rememeber by Rascal Flatts


**Chapter 1**

Peeta lay in bed, starring up at the ceiling. The moonlight crept through the crack in the curtains, leaving strange shadows throughout the room. But he knew, from nights spent memorizing her every feature, that if he turned his head to the side and looked at Katniss asleep next to him, the light would make her hair shine and her skin look like it was glowing. But right now, he couldn't look at her. Because he knew if he did, he'd break.

The district around them was flourishing and growing with more and more people returning every day. Now, almost two years after the war had ended, people were beginning to feel the effects. It took time for everyone to shake the shell-shocked feeling that the ending of the war left within them, but once that happened people started returning home or moving to someplace new to start over. After that came the adjustment to the new government and new laws, along with the financial consequences of such devastating battles. But now, things were starting to look up.

Well, for most people.

When Peeta had returned to District 12 in hopes of fixing things with Katniss, neither of them were fully prepared for the penalties of the damage both had sustained. Katniss struggled heavily with depression and Peeta was still attempting to pull his mind back together. But they thought they would be able to help each other heal and grow back into normal people, or as close as they could get. Because that was what they did for each other, right? And this seemed to work for a while. Katniss got out of her depression and began eating again, and then hunting. Peeta was able to identify most triggers and, even then, fight his way through most flashbacks, reaching out to help the surrounding community with Katniss at his side.

But really, there was only so much that could be done.

Some of the flashbacks were worse than others and were harder to fight off. Some he couldn't fight at all.

Some days were so bad that Katniss began having way too many close calls with knives and razors.

And other days, all they both could do was lay in their shared bed, not touching, and face opposite walls until the spell passed.

Because even though they protected each other, even though that was what they did for each other, there was only so much two teenagers could protect each other from. And the mind can be an ugly enemy.

But this night, it had started off well enough; compared to how most had been going lately. Katniss was in the kitchen cooking stew for dinner when Peeta walked in from a day at the bakery. He was greeted with her shuffling around the kitchen in actual clothes and what looked like fresh meat. Whether she had shot it or gone out and bought it, he didn't know nor care; because both cases were a good sign. Peeta was starting to get the feeling that she really was doing better. She got out more, started helping neighbors with gardens or the hunters who had taken up her pastime to help supply the people with meat. Her days were looking better. It almost made him forget how his own were falling apart.

And it made it that much worse to have to start this conversation, especially since he knew where it would lead.

"I had another lapse today," he uttered as he walked into the kitchen and fell into a chair at the table.

Katniss didn't respond immediately but he knew what was going through her head. This was the fourth day in a row where he had come home and reported something like this. Honestly, if it wasn't for the fact that they had agreed a long time ago to never hide anything like this from each other, he would stop telling her. But he knew she would be more hurt if he kept it from her than she would by him just being straight about it.

"What did you forget?" she whispered as she started ladling stew into bowls.

"I forgot who Sean was, and when I saw him counting the drawer, I thought he was a thief and lost it. Thankfully he's bigger than me and got me pinned pretty quick."

He saw her expression fall at the mention that he was completely forgetting who people were now. Before it was just some simpler things like forgetting to set the timers on the ovens and then forgot about the bread. Usually the worse he ended up with was blackened bread but he didn't want to admit how close it came to turning into a fire for his own pride's sake. But if it was spreading to total memory loss on who people were, who knew what was next.

He saw her set the ladle down in the pot and squeeze her eyes shut for just a second. She then turned and set the bowls on the table, one in front of him and one for her and sat down. He watched her face, trying to see how she was going to react this time, terrified that this was the last straw. But when she remained silent and just started to eat her stew, he thought perhaps this was just one more step backwards that they would get through together.

Until they started doing the dishes, and she cut her finger washing a knife. When he saw the blood he immediately fled to the living room as he felt the adrenaline start to pump through his, sending drops of venom through his system. He reached the wood back of a rocking chair and gripped it so hard his knuckles were white as he tried to ride out the flashback. Which meant he wasn't there to see Katniss break.

By the time he regained control, Katniss had fled to their bedroom and crawled into bed fully clothed. Even though it was obvious she was still awake, she didn't move and kept her breathing steady when he entered the room in attempt to fool him into believing she was asleep so that he wouldn't try to talk about it. And honestly, he wasn't sure he wanted to. Because while that wasn't the first time she didn't run right after him when he felt a flashback coming on, it was the first time she wasn't there when he returned to reality. And as he realized this, the fear he felt during dinner returned in full force as the little voice in the back of his head whispered that this was the end. When he woke up in the morning, she wouldn't be there.

_I know that you're leavin'_

_As soon as the sun_

_Comes through the window_

_There's no talking this over_

_The damage is done_

_There's just too much hurt_

_Too much to forgive_

_Oh, but we both know_

_We weren't always like this_

So he lay there, starring at the moonlight and fighting the urge to look over at her and try to memorize every feature one last time. But instead he let the tears begin to fall and all sorts of thoughts swarm through his head.

Oh how he wished he could turn the clock back and return to the time when they first started healing each other, but warn himself that this time with her was limited. Or back to the night when she first admitted that she loved him after they had made love. Or to all the times after that when they learned everything there was to know about each other's bodies. Or even back to the last time he got to touch her like that, just so he could savor it a little bit longer and not be stuck with just memories. Or maybe even just that he could forget everything that had happened between then and now so that he could keep them as a good memory.

But instead, he remembered every moment that he first started realizing he was slowly losing his memory. He remembered the fear in Katniss' eyes when the thought struck that he would forget who people were long before it actually happened. He remembered holding her in his arms that night and promising that he could never forget who she was. And he remembered the terror that struck his soul when he realized that there may come a day that he wouldn't be able to control that. But mostly, he remembered realizing that he was slowly losing pieces of memories of her already. And that is what terrified him the most.

_Help me remember_

_The way that we used to be_

_When nothin' else mattered_

'_Cause you were lovin' me_

_Just for the night, one last time_

_One more good memory_

_When I look back_

_That's what I wanna see_

_Oh, help me remember_

_Those days that were so good_

_Those nights that we held_

_Held on forever_

_When we weren't pretenders_

_We were as real as we felt_

_Oh, I don't want to fight anymore_

_Don't want the last thing I hear tonight_

_To be a slammin' door_

_Baby, let it be like before_

He didn't know when he finally drifted to sleep but when he woke the next morning, the other side of the bed was empty and cold. The tears returned faster than he wanted but he turned in on himself and let them fall. He prayed to every power he'd ever heard of that maybe it wasn't true, that she had decided to stick around to help him remember everything. Because that was what they did, they protected each other; right?

The memory of the look in her eyes last night as he admitted he started forgetting people combined with the image of her expression when she had realized he'd forgotten something about their past was enough to make him almost break in half, begging to anyone who could hear to let him hold onto his mind if it meant he could hold onto her.

_This could be the last time_

Because how hard could it be to remember something that has meant everything to you for your whole life?

_I look in your eyes_

The crash downstairs startled him from his thoughts. The first idea that occurred to him was that Haymitch had run out of liquor and had come looking for the stash they always had for cases like this. But this only angered Peeta, thinking that the old drunk was so concerned with keeping himself in an inebriated state that he never realized how far down the rabbit hole Peeta and Katniss were falling.

So Peeta through back the blankets and flew down the stairs and into the kitchen. But it wasn't occupied by an old drunk. Instead Katniss stood at the counter surrounded by dishes and ingredients and something else spilled all over the floor that she was paying no mind to.

"Katniss," he whispered, his voice breaking. "What are you doing?"

She turned around and her eyes were puffing and red as if she had been crying for hours already. "I'm trying to make the bread you threw to me that day in the rain. And I'm trying to make the first cupcake you ever snuck to Prim. And the cheese buns that I loved so much. But I can't seem to get any of the right and I just want them to be as close as possible to how you would make them because if I can then I can help you remember all these memories that mean so much to us because I can't stand by and let you lose these memories, Peeta, because they mean too much to us and you mean too much to me. And because if we don't keep fighting back at what you're forgetting now, then we won't be able to stop the day when you forget me and I can't handle that. So I'm not going to let it happen. We are going to fight this together, like we always have. Because it's what we do, we protect each other."

By the end of her little speech, she had thrown the whisk to the floor and tears were streaming down both their faces. A weight flew off Peeta's chest like a bird with wings and he launched himself at Katniss, pulling her as close as physically possible while her arms flew around his neck and hugged him equally as hard. Peeta sniffled as he unburied his face from her neck to whisper, "We protect each other."

_Help me remember_

_The way that we used to be_

_When nothin' else mattered_

'_Cause you were lovin' me_

_Just for the night, one last time_

_One more good memory_

_When I look back_

_That's what I wanna see_

_Oh, help me remember_


End file.
